Answer Me This...

There tend to be moments in life, when you might have thought you knew yourself. When you might have thought that you knew someone. Knew something. But there was also that moment in time when you doubted yourself. When you doubted that person. When you doubted something...anything...everything.
      There are questions you could always ask. But are they the right questions? There are things you could tell yourself. But is what you're saying true?
      Your true test of self comes only with life, and its experiences. The experiences you may have in a lifetime, how you deal with them, what you learn from them, and how you come out of them. Ask yourself the right questions, and you may very well find the answers you're looking for. Not to say I know them, not to say I will. But in the following I ask you a few questions, and with all jokes aside I ask you to answer them.

If you could be anywhere right now, seeing as where there are no limitations of any kind, where would you be? Who would you have with you? Why?

If you could spend an hour with anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend that bit of time with?

If you could spend an entire day with someone ...anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend those twenty-four hours with?

If you could prevent one thing from happening in your lifetime thus far, what might it be? Why would you want to change that? Or would you rather leave your life as it has been, hence being the same person you are today?

When was the last time you smiled because of something you or someone said or did? When was the last time you laughed? Why? What caused you to?

If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? Why would you want it?

Are you happy with who you are? Where you are? Why are you? Or perhaps, why are you not?

When was the last time you shed tears? Were they tears of joy? Or rather tears of sorrow? Do you cry often?


      I, myself, would be anywhere with my two very good friends, Richard and Victoria. Because even if they don't know it, I love and treasure them dearly. Their comforting words of wisdom and humour help me to brave whatever may come my way. Much like Zane has been to me in the past few years.
      I would spend an hour with my mother, because even though she sleeps in the next room, I never see her. I'm never able to talk to her. Never able to spend any time with her.
      To spend a day with anyone, surely I'd be back on that lone stretch of beach, a few miles north of the state line. Swimming naked once again in the Gulf, wondering how turtles came to have such a killer instinct, and why Butter Teeth never brushed his molars. I wouldn't have anyone else with me apart from my two very good friends already there. I miss Jason, and wish to see him again. Wish to hear his insane thoughts and witness his crazy antics once more.
      If I could have prevented anything from happening this lifetime, I don't really know what I might change. Maybe Jason's death, or maybe earlier then that. To say that I wish to remain the person I am now would almost be selfish, seeing as where the person I am now has been created by the death of such good friends. The years of abuse physically and mentally from drugs and people alike. I wish to have them here with me, alive again, because their deaths should not have come about for any reason.
     I don't remember the last time I laughed or smiled. It must have been earlier today when I spoke with Richard. He always makes me laugh and smile. My burnt brownies, and the pizza Iruined, or maybe the fact that my chihuahua ate what pizza I actually did create that was almost halfway edible. I don't know.
     If I could have anything in the world, it might be sensible to say perpetual happiness, as I once thought. But it would drive me mad. I savour the melancholy overtones of my life, though I do hate them all the same. I want alot of things, maybe some more than others.
     The last time I shed tears would have been Saturday night. I don't really know if they were tears of joy, watching Zane sleep, knowing that he was alive. Or tears of sorrow, from knowing that jason was not. I don't cry often, though seemingly in recent times I have.
    I'm not happy with where I am in life, nor am I happy with who I am. But this person is all I want to be, this place all I wish to dwell. I am peaceful here, yet my life is chaotic all the same. I don't know where I'm going, and I want the life people seem to think I have.

   In all sincerity I ask you to answer these questions. Maybe for nothing more than the simple benefit of myself being able to read something rather than watching the clock as time dwindles away. I hope I haven't spoiled your lovely moods...

too much thinking for me.

sometimes i am the sort of person who regrets the way things went in the past, and it makes me wonder where i would be if those things had happened differently.

then i wade back into reality and i realize that everything that's every happened in my life makes me who i am this very instant, and if i want to change who i am, there's no time but the present in which to do something about it.

Perpetual happiness would be practically a paradox...because for me, being happy all the time regardless of the situation would mean that you wouldn't know whether you were truly happy or whether it was just because you were always happy, you wouldn't have anything to live for because your life would be unimprovable, and you wouldn't have anything to work towards.  But all that wouldn't matter, because you'd be perpetually happy anyway.  Or would you?

hmmm, i would probably be lying out in my best friends garden (Crowly's girlfriend), surrounded by Crowly and liann (the gf) and probably sarah.  we would all get on really well, and have a really great time, there would be a few spliffs during the afternoon, me and Crowly (im gonna start calling him david from now on) would start play fighting and we would carry on for lmost an hour til we both couldnt stand thru exhaustion and a mild pain from punching each others limbs!  sarah and liann would prob try and join in at sompoint, liann would get in a stress because she isnt strong enuff, and so wont join in, sarah prob would join in and probably knowing sarah start jumping on whoeva out of me and crowly was being held on the ground!  but well, even if sarah liven in england liann is moving out of odiham by the end of this week i am going to really miss her!

I would spend an hour with panda (but im seeing her next week, so i dont need to bother with just one hour when i have a full day!)  so instead i would spend it with my friend oriana, her x best friend told me that she had just been talking to me without showing any real compassion, but i dont believe her, i think she did, i talked to oriana's bf a while ago though and she said she did, and that she talked about me quite a lot.  so i would spend my hour with her finding out here i stood with her, and seeing her child, and just talking to the person a care most about in this world....

i would spend an entire day with cassie (sovery lost) i found out a while ago talking to her through im's that we are shockingly simular in the way we think, our mindset, the way we react to things.  i dunno, but it was extraordinary i would spend the 24hrs with her, just going out sumwhere having a laugh, then go and have a meal sumwhere, and talk about things personally and in depth, then finally we would go off and sit on a bench or in a field sumwhere and go off and smoke some of the finest skunk around.  then we would just fall asleep in each others arms in the field to keep warm.  (btw 4 ne1 who is trying to read anything into that she is lesbien).

now this is the hardest question so far, while im not happy in myself, i am the nicest and most caring person i know.  i do not take insults personally and it takes a lot to hurt me.  im generous and pretty well tempered, and i can bite my toungue if the situation requires it!

so while i dont like myself a lot, and wouldnt change who i am, for fear of turning out worse.  another thing about myself that i like, or well makes life slightly less hard, is that i will forget my own problems in aid of someone elses, which is good in a way, but also bad.
i have had many things about to happen (liann moving) or have happened which i have hated (being bullied at both my secondarty school, and my primary school), and would like to change, but i wouldnt like to change me, so i wouldnt.

last time i smiled was yesterday afternoon, me and liann were on the bus talking and we had one of our verbal joke fight things, and i ended up talking to sumrandom girl on the bus because of it, and me, rdm girl (amy) and liann were all laughing, and me and liann were slagging each other off to amy and every1 (esp amy) was cracking up!  the fact i was drunk, stned and had dun poppers 4 the 1st time yesterday prob helped me to start talking to a random person,lol.  on another note, i fucked up the poppers, i didnt cover the top at all, and instead on just inhaling, i lugged it, through my nose with about the same force u would lug a bong! so i got absolutely fucked, cos i inhaled sum liquid up my nose, lol.  i was a right state, and was cracking up loads.


i would want all my close friends and every1 liked both net and real life, to all live in my pretty little village.

im happy with who i am, but id like every1 else to be with me here!

last time i cryed was on the bus yesterday and they were tears of sorrow, cos after amy got off, i started talking to liann, and found out that they mite be going within the week, if they go.  i thought i had like 6 weeks, til they left.  so i started getting a bit upset, me and liann were doing our favorite thing on the bus, on most journeys she spends the time listening to music, so we have our own sign language, its really cool, we were talking about all sorts of things yesterday, i told her about cassie, well, i got really upset when she told me sh was leaving, she isnt going so i wont be able to see her again, she will live 5 mins from the college i attend, but she wont live a ten minute walk away any more, she has been my rock for the last couple of years, and wheneva im depressed or homelife is getting too much 4 me, i have always been allowed to just go down there, hang around etc.  but in one week that will all be taken away, as i am writing this now i can feel mysself welling up with tears, and i very rarely cry.

well thats me, thats what u wanted to know, i hope it makes u feel better to read it lizzie, cos it has hurt to write it down.

well when u asked me last nite i was too tired to think.  I 'd love to be in my garden in the summer.  i'd be alone (i get on best with myself) and lying in the recliner- falling asleep and having no worries.

if i could spend an hour with anyone it'd be my best friend claire, who died of a brain tumour when i was 6.  Just to talk to her and remember what she was like.

if i could spend an entire day with someone it'd be will and thats gunna happen next week- woohoo!

if i could change anything it would be my actions on december 3rd 1999- when i put a friendship in jeapordy- i'll never forgive myself andi dont think my friend will ever truly forgive me.

the last time i laughed was yesterday- while watching south park

if i could have anything in the world, it'd be fame.  i kno i'll never achieve it but i want to be remembered after i die.

i'm very happy with who i am.  these past weeks have been bliss,  and nothing has gone wrong.

the last time i cried was two days ago- after my mum was shouting at me.  it was nothing major- but i cant handle it when people keep having a  go at me no matter what i do.

(Edited by AmandaKaT at 4:54 pm on July 14, 2001)

If I could be anywhere right now I would probably be with Victoria.  Where does not matter, but if I had to choose it'd probably be somewhere in France, because it's cold here, despite the July-ness.

Ah, for the hour and day questions, I hate to be all: "..." about it, but ditto, basically, there's no difference to who or where.

If I could prevent one thing from happening in my life I would probably go back to before I did all of my exams and REVISE for them this time.  There's not much I really regret about my life, at least not much that still affects me now.

The last time I smiled was about 10 minutes ago talking to you.

The last time I laughed was when you said "I was going to ask "is that what they told you at fat camp?""

If I could have anything in the world it would be knowledge - enough to get me through my education easily, but also a greater understanding of the world etc - knowledge is power. (Francis Bacon)

Am I happy with who I am and where I am?  Well, yes and no.  I am happy with who I am, I'd hate to be any different, but where I am is more tricky.  And why?  Because it always feels like I'm waiting for something to happen in life, but nothing ever does.

Lastly - I don't cry often.  I know when the last time I cried was, but this is the one question I'm not going to answer in full.

Ciao.


(Edited by Lacking in meaning at 4:57 pm on July 14, 2001)

I would be out on the cliffs at the shore. No matter where. It's almost always windy at sea, and wind calms and soothes me, and is the only one to caress me. It makes me feel free and safe, and gives me sympathy for all suffering and melancholy to make me happy.

An hour, I would spend with Saara. She's the closest thing to a friend I have here.

The 24h, I'd spend with Mihnea (Amor Fati). He's a person that I can call a friend, despite it's very hard for me to trust anyone to any extent anymore. Always, when I read what he's written, I'm calmed, and at peace.

I'd be tempted to change the fact, that I was beaten by other kids since kindergarten to 3rd grade. Those 6 years were pain, but they taught me a lot about the cruelty that lies within the human being. Other one would be to not have started dating Petra, but if not for her, I would still be a dreamer, and I would've not realized, how important emotions are. In the end, I'm content how things are. There might not be anyone besides Saara and Mihnea, who I'd care about, and who'd listen to me, but it doesn't matter, as there are those whose things are even worse.

Last time I laughed so that I felt anything special, I do not remember. It must've been months. One of those non-meaningful laughs, that just come to make a mark that you've understood something, I had 4h ago. Last time I smiled with any emotion, was when I heard of Mihnea's engagement.He's living my past dreams to reality, and I'm happy for him.

A friend here, that'd be like Haba. He was something I can't describe with mere words. I could talk about anything to him, and never got bored at him. He made me feel calm and happy. The sweet melancholie. To the outsider, we were like day and night. But those who knew us better, noticed an astonishing similarity. One night, when we were sitting at the shore, wathcing the ice drift at the sea, he said to me, that if I were anyone else like me, than me, he'd probably beat me there for everything I'd said. If he'd been anyone else like him, but him, I would've not taken any notice in him other than disdain.

I'm not happy for being me, or unhappy. If I would have the sweet melancholie like I did before, I'd be happy, like I was back then. Nowadays I'm too joyous to reach the thoughts to bring melancholie to any extent. Just small bursts.

Tears I have shed on 24-26th November in 1998. Once on each day. It was the beginning of my fall, and the end of my dreamer self. The last of my dreams was wasted. Before that, I cried last in '89, so I don't cry often.

If you could be anywhere right now, seeing as where there are no limitations of any kind, where would you be? Who would you have with you? Why?

I would be with Daniel, in the field (people who have read my story will understand), with the serenity that covers us like a blanket, and holds us together. I would be here, with him, because it was then that I was last my happiest

If you could spend an hour with anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend that bit of time with?

I would say Daniel again.

If you could spend an entire day with someone ...anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend those twenty-four hours with?

Again, Daniel

If you could prevent one thing from happening in your lifetime thus far, what might it be? Why would you want to change that? Or would you rather leave your life as it has been, hence being the same person you are today?

For all that has happened in my life, I would not change, for fear that it would change who I am, or what my life is now (and I am happy with my life now). You would think that perhaps (if you knew me) that I would wish for Daniel to love me as I love him, but I do not need to wish this, for I know that in his own way, he does love me.

When was the last time you smiled because of something you or someone said or did? When was the last time you laughed? Why? What caused you to?

I can't help but be happy when I am with Daniel. I last smilled, truly smilled, when he kissed the top of my head outside of prom when I was feeling upset, and he told me that it was ok to be weak, because even strong people like me need someone (ie, him) to lean on, and that he would always be there for me.

If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? Why would you want it?

Daniel. In a way I have him, but I would like to fully know him as he knows me. That would make me even more happy than I have ever known. But I know that if it is going to happen, it will happen.

Are you happy with who you are? Where you are? Why are you? Or perhaps, why are you not?

I am truly happy, not only with who I am, but also where I am. If I changed anything about me that I felt to be imperfect, it would cause me to be a whole different person, perhaps a person whose character I do not like.

When was the last time you shed tears? Were they tears of joy? Or rather tears of sorrow? Do you cry often?

As above, it was outside prom after an upset. They were tears of sorrow, but after Daniel's kind words, and caring heart, they were tears of joy. joy of knowing that I have the love of such a special and fantastic person as he.


Sense a pattern?

i think sum1 likes sum1, go 4 it mags, by the time i meet u, i expect u to have a bf, with the name daniel! ok!

First of all, Fallen, since nobody said this till now, I'll go for it. This is the best topic I have ever read in my years on the internet. No doubt about it. It's the topic I was always too lazy to write myself. And for you to write it at a time when I'm wishing to go back in time, to a certain point, it's something else. Thank you. Now, the questions...I don't know what to say. All of them would be related to THE ONE. But since evertyhting is happening with HER the way i want it to, there's no point in mentioning HER as the answer to every question. Still, I can't take her out of every question....My answers will probably be influenced by my recent feelings, maybe a week ago I would have answered differently to some questions.

Where would I like to be now? With whom? Why? I'd like to have HER near me, no matter where. I'd like to be on a shore somewhere, on a beach. Given my dualist nature, I would like to have sun, bright sun, on a beach, with HER, and then dark skies, somewhere in Ireland. I would have to describe a whole scene hear, this can't be just a place or a moment. It takes much more...

An hour? I'd like to have another hour with Ionela, to find out what's bothering her. Another hoour alone with her, maybe I could help her.

A day with someone? This will sound strange, but I am undecided between the Dalai Lama and Ile (Glacialis). It would be so fulfilling to spend a day with Ile, for both of us, that day would probably be something oput of this Earth. With the Dalai Lama, I feel that after a day with him I could be so much richer, and I would know how to get over some periods better, my life would change. Again, my dualist nature...

Prevent something form happening to me? Graduating from college, but I can't stop that anyway. I will miss the people here so much, I am hurting like hell knowing that it's all over, because it was all about human contact for me. And I met so many great people this last year, this is terrible that it's over. Ile, this is what i found at the bottom of my feelings, of my sadeness...Under  that thing with Ionela, this was what's bothering me...
And another thing would be meeting THE ONE earlier. It's no problem that it happened when it did, I know I shouldn't complain, but still...Three years earlier.

Last time I smiled because of something was a couple of hours ago, in the car, when BABY winked at me. She always makes me smile...I love HER more than anything in this world. She is the light in my life. THE ONE. Last time i laughed was 20 minutes ago when I talked to Halap on the phone, he's the funniest guy I know, and one of my best friends.

If I could have anything in the world...I have what I want. All my life I wanted to meet THE ONE, and I am engaged to HER now. I just want us to be happy like this forever. Even after we die. So, form this world, there's nothing more I want that much...Or maybe there is. Success. Even if it may sound weird, I want success. For me and HER. In anything we do> In everything we do.

I am happy with who I am. There's still a little shadow, because I am way to sensitive and sensible. But that's me. I can't change that.

Shedding tears...I don't shed tears often, I cry, but without tears. I think when i saw The Green Mile, and after I got engaged. First, of sorrow, then of joy. I cry often, but, like I said, not with tears...

And again, this was an incredible topic, I cannot believe I actually read it and answered to it. Throw me a mail sometime, Fallen.

Inertia,  I am curious about your answers.

Foe, "sometimes i am the sort of person who regrets the way things went in the past, and it
                    makes me wonder where i would be if those things had happened differently. " We are so much alike, it's frightening sometimes

Ile, I have no doubt that we will meet face to face someday. You are one of the probably three persons in the world I completely trust. Completely.  





(Edited by Amor Fati at 11:58 am on July 15, 2001)

About who I'd spend an hour with, Al Pacino would be a great choice...That would be super...Even if, again right now the only person I'd spend one hour or one day with is my baby, who isn't here...

Quote: from Amor Fati on 1:52 pm on July 15, 2001
Foe, "sometimes i am the sort of person who regrets the way things went in the past, and it makes me wonder where i would be if those things had happened differently. " We are so much alike, it's frightening sometimes

well, that's because we're the same person, remember?

Oh yeah, you're my alter ego...Or was it the other way around...

"If you could be anywhere right now, seeing as where there are no limitations of any kind, where would you be? Who would you have with you? Why?"

Seriously, I would be on Jupiter... And I'd probably be there with CC, Will, and I dunno, maybe Plasmo (That is if he'd forgive me, I sorta got him angry at me and...). - Why? Because, It's Jupiter man.

"If you could spend an hour with anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend that bit of time with?"

Probably anyone of the backstreet boys... One hour should be enough time for me to kill them.

"If you could spend an entire day with someone... anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend those twenty-four hours with?"
Kurt Cobain.

If you could prevent one thing from happening in your lifetime thus far, what might it be? Why would you want to change that? Or would you rather leave your life as it has been, hence being the same person you are today?"
I would like to prevent ever being dissed or anything like that just for being me. Why? Because, I don't like emotional pain, and I don't think anyone else does either.

"When was the last time you smiled because of something you or someone said or did? When was the last time you laughed? Why? What caused you to?"
Last time I smiled? Yesterday when I watched Adam Lamberg on "Lizzie McGuire". Last time I laughed? Yesterday, when my cousin's dog got out, ran upstairs, into my aunt's room, and my aunt's started screaming "Marc! Get this damn dog out of here! I told you not to let it in my room!", hehe and me and my soon-to-be-step-sister just watched it go upstairs, and we didn't do anything about it.

"If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? Why would you want it?"
A genie, one that would grant me unlimited wishes. That way I could have everything I possibly wanted, and help others get what they want, also.

"Are you happy with who you are? Where you are? Why are you? Or perhaps, why are you not?"
No, I'm not happy with who I am. I'm a faliure who can't do anything right, and I'm always disappointing others. I hate myself. I'm a terrible person, and perhaps deserve to die.

"When was the last time you shed tears? Were they tears of joy? Or rather tears of sorrow? Do you cry often?"
The other day, tears of sorrow, certainly not joy. Yes, I cry often.

You'd die if you were on Jupiter.  Its atmosphere contains little, if not no oxygen.  And the whole planet is made of gas.