Answer Me This...

There tend to be moments in life, when you might have thought you knew yourself. When you might have thought that you knew someone. Knew something. But there was also that moment in time when you doubted yourself. When you doubted that person. When you doubted something...anything...everything.
      There are questions you could always ask. But are they the right questions? There are things you could tell yourself. But is what you're saying true?
      Your true test of self comes only with life, and its experiences. The experiences you may have in a lifetime, how you deal with them, what you learn from them, and how you come out of them. Ask yourself the right questions, and you may very well find the answers you're looking for. Not to say I know them, not to say I will. But in the following I ask you a few questions, and with all jokes aside I ask you to answer them.

If you could be anywhere right now, seeing as where there are no limitations of any kind, where would you be? Who would you have with you? Why?

If you could spend an hour with anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend that bit of time with?

If you could spend an entire day with someone ...anyone, dead or alive, who would you choose to spend those twenty-four hours with?

If you could prevent one thing from happening in your lifetime thus far, what might it be? Why would you want to change that? Or would you rather leave your life as it has been, hence being the same person you are today?

When was the last time you smiled because of something you or someone said or did? When was the last time you laughed? Why? What caused you to?

If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? Why would you want it?

Are you happy with who you are? Where you are? Why are you? Or perhaps, why are you not?

When was the last time you shed tears? Were they tears of joy? Or rather tears of sorrow? Do you cry often?


      I, myself, would be anywhere with my two very good friends, Richard and Victoria. Because even if they don't know it, I love and treasure them dearly. Their comforting words of wisdom and humour help me to brave whatever may come my way. Much like Zane has been to me in the past few years.
      I would spend an hour with my mother, because even though she sleeps in the next room, I never see her. I'm never able to talk to her. Never able to spend any time with her.
      To spend a day with anyone, surely I'd be back on that lone stretch of beach, a few miles north of the state line. Swimming naked once again in the Gulf, wondering how turtles came to have such a killer instinct, and why Butter Teeth never brushed his molars. I wouldn't have anyone else with me apart from my two very good friends already there. I miss Jason, and wish to see him again. Wish to hear his insane thoughts and witness his crazy antics once more.
      If I could have prevented anything from happening this lifetime, I don't really know what I might change. Maybe Jason's death, or maybe earlier then that. To say that I wish to remain the person I am now would almost be selfish, seeing as where the person I am now has been created by the death of such good friends. The years of abuse physically and mentally from drugs and people alike. I wish to have them here with me, alive again, because their deaths should not have come about for any reason.
     I don't remember the last time I laughed or smiled. It must have been earlier today when I spoke with Richard. He always makes me laugh and smile. My burnt brownies, and the pizza Iruined, or maybe the fact that my chihuahua ate what pizza I actually did create that was almost halfway edible. I don't know.
     If I could have anything in the world, it might be sensible to say perpetual happiness, as I once thought. But it would drive me mad. I savour the melancholy overtones of my life, though I do hate them all the same. I want alot of things, maybe some more than others.
     The last time I shed tears would have been Saturday night. I don't really know if they were tears of joy, watching Zane sleep, knowing that he was alive. Or tears of sorrow, from knowing that jason was not. I don't cry often, though seemingly in recent times I have.
    I'm not happy with where I am in life, nor am I happy with who I am. But this person is all I want to be, this place all I wish to dwell. I am peaceful here, yet my life is chaotic all the same. I don't know where I'm going, and I want the life people seem to think I have.

   In all sincerity I ask you to answer these questions. Maybe for nothing more than the simple benefit of myself being able to read something rather than watching the clock as time dwindles away. I hope I haven't spoiled your lovely moods...