Answer Me This...

I would be out on the cliffs at the shore. No matter where. It's almost always windy at sea, and wind calms and soothes me, and is the only one to caress me. It makes me feel free and safe, and gives me sympathy for all suffering and melancholy to make me happy.

An hour, I would spend with Saara. She's the closest thing to a friend I have here.

The 24h, I'd spend with Mihnea (Amor Fati). He's a person that I can call a friend, despite it's very hard for me to trust anyone to any extent anymore. Always, when I read what he's written, I'm calmed, and at peace.

I'd be tempted to change the fact, that I was beaten by other kids since kindergarten to 3rd grade. Those 6 years were pain, but they taught me a lot about the cruelty that lies within the human being. Other one would be to not have started dating Petra, but if not for her, I would still be a dreamer, and I would've not realized, how important emotions are. In the end, I'm content how things are. There might not be anyone besides Saara and Mihnea, who I'd care about, and who'd listen to me, but it doesn't matter, as there are those whose things are even worse.

Last time I laughed so that I felt anything special, I do not remember. It must've been months. One of those non-meaningful laughs, that just come to make a mark that you've understood something, I had 4h ago. Last time I smiled with any emotion, was when I heard of Mihnea's engagement.He's living my past dreams to reality, and I'm happy for him.

A friend here, that'd be like Haba. He was something I can't describe with mere words. I could talk about anything to him, and never got bored at him. He made me feel calm and happy. The sweet melancholie. To the outsider, we were like day and night. But those who knew us better, noticed an astonishing similarity. One night, when we were sitting at the shore, wathcing the ice drift at the sea, he said to me, that if I were anyone else like me, than me, he'd probably beat me there for everything I'd said. If he'd been anyone else like him, but him, I would've not taken any notice in him other than disdain.

I'm not happy for being me, or unhappy. If I would have the sweet melancholie like I did before, I'd be happy, like I was back then. Nowadays I'm too joyous to reach the thoughts to bring melancholie to any extent. Just small bursts.

Tears I have shed on 24-26th November in 1998. Once on each day. It was the beginning of my fall, and the end of my dreamer self. The last of my dreams was wasted. Before that, I cried last in '89, so I don't cry often.