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CardsForSorrow
Plains Deacon
Total Posts: 414
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 10:58 am on Dec. 3, 2001 |   | IP
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He promised me
Collect the echo of a million sunbeams
And think of me as you do so
For what else is worth holding on to
But your friends, and a million sunbeams
Ready for a rainy day
But now the rain has come, the sunbeams have died, I can not find my friends, and the promise has been broken
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 11:34 am on Dec. 3, 2001 | | IP
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That's a feeling I'm too familiar with. The only comfort, a poor one that may be, is that everything's passing. So are the good times, but also the bad. There were times I thought it'd never end, but eventually, it did. Every time. There'll be more good times ahead to live for. Trust me.
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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CardsForSorrow
Plains Deacon
Total Posts: 414
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 2:14 pm on Dec. 3, 2001 | | IP
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I know there must be good times ahead... but I've been living in this shadow for over three years now.... before 'he' even came onto the scene. I always was the eternal optimist, and still want to be, but it's difficult. Time was religion would help me (am I being clechied?), but now I look at the world, and wonder how I can see God there? I want to let him be part of my life, but at the moment even I don't want to be part of it. I need, shallow as it seems, a subsient solution. I do count my blessings every day, my fantastic family, my wonderful wonderful friends, all the beautiful things in my life, and in the world. And I know these far outweigh the bad, but I can't helping taking this all to heart... all the evil in the world, the wrong, the pain and cry, weep that I cannot change it. And I have begun to hate myself. I hate myself from frustration at my inadequacy. I hate myself for letting little things (and little people) get to me, and not being the stronger person. I hate myself for being jelous of those who are happy, especially those who are close to me. I feel selfish. I hate myself for being self pitying. I hate myself for not being able to be happy, for not letting contentment be enough. I know happiness will find me someday, but why does it have to be so dark before the light?
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 2:35 pm on Dec. 4, 2001 | | IP
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Letting go of the hate towards yourself is the first thing you should do. How can you be anything to others or change anything in the outside world, unless you're first something to yourself and change yourself? Etch to your memory the spots that are brightest in the dark, for they are the things that really matter.
You alone, can't change the whole world, so you shouldn't take it upon you to feel horrible or helpless because of it. Just try to change the world close to you to better, bit by bit. You're obviously a good person, judging by the things you've written, who's having a bit too much upon her shoulders.
Don't hate yourself. There're much better things to do in this one life we have. Too much beautiful things. Too much good to cling to the bad. I know only too well, that words alone don't make a change, but they can trigger something within. If I could, I'd be there and tell it to you myself, trust me, but alas, I can't.
You're enough to be you. No need to be more.
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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CardsForSorrow
Plains Deacon
Total Posts: 414
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 3:26 pm on Dec. 4, 2001 | | IP
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Who am I? I thought I knew. But all that I was is gone. I no longer have the power of words for my emotions. I no longer have the strength to face myself day after day. I am my own worst enemy, and I do know I need to overcome this, but I need the time, and support to do it my own way, in my own time. If I can see this so clearly, why does it hurt so much? Why do I cry myself to sleep with invisible tears, and wake up fitfully during the night, trying to discover who I am, clawing to an identity I once knew...
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 1:21 pm on Dec. 5, 2001 | | IP
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You are lost to yourself. You have held it all for too long, and the weight is starting to crush you. All others can do, is try to give you the support, but in the end, it's all up to you to find the way out. That's pretty much all I can advice.
I hope you'll find your way out faster than I did, for your images are pretty much the same I had. Not that I'd claim to perfectly understand your situation, for no one can completely understand someone else.
Best wishes from me to you.
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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Amor Fati
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1560
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 3:56 pm on Jan. 1, 2002 | | IP
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I got out of it.
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Sunt lacrimae reum
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---(+ Holy Buffalo +)---
The Broken Mirror Gives A Truer Reflection On Me
