Big Dumb Face

Big dumb face. Jason said that alot. He liked to talk about butter teeth and big dumb faces and he gave high-fives compulsively. He seemed to have the bluest of eyes when he laughed, and he laughed alot. Those loud, hearty laughs because he was really laughing. He was really happy. At least thats what he made every one think. I spent the past Fourth of July with him. Along with Zane, our best friend, on the beach. We smoked enough ganja all day long to kill someone. And we ate shrooms and popped pills. We swam stark ass naked in the Gulf of Mexico and laughed because we were sure we'd get eaten by sharks. Big dumb face. I can still remember the way his mouth would turn up when he said that. He could always make you laugh, because of his crazy antics and because of some of the stupid things he would say. We could sit for hours talking about the uprising of cows and the killer turtles out in the Gulf. When my mom told me this morning that she needed to talk to me, I thought to myself that she knew I had stole half of Kathy's stash and I was in for a long and tedious lecture. And then she looked down and started crying, and it really worried me. She told me that Zane's mother had called her at work, and that there had been an accident. I could feel the tears stinging at my face and I asked if he was alright. She said that he was in the hospital, but it looked as if he would be okay. But then she started crying again and said that Jason was in the truck too. I didn't want to ask her, because I already knew the answer. She looked at me and said she was so sorry, and all I could do was shake my head and cry. It was as if they were pulling a cruel prank on me, and at any moment she'd start laughing and tell me it was all a joke. Big dumb face. They had stolen Jason's uncle's truck and were racing down back roads. They'd ran a stop sign and were plowed into on the driver's side by a state truck. Zane was thrown from the truck and landed in a large mud puddle, which was the only thing to have saved him. Jason was crushed in the truck, and had to be pulled out by the jaws of life. I can only think now, how he might have looked. I can't imagine his limp body being pulled from the twisted corpse of a truck, I can only hear him saying big dumb face. I can't imagine the sirens of the ambulances and the police cars, or the blue and red lights illuminating the area. I can only hear him saying big dumb face. I can only see him sitting next to me at the beach, on that bench eating candy that tasted like toothpaste. I don't want to imagine the funeral, or him in a suit. I just want to see him wearing his jnco's and his black shirt that advertised a motorcycle shop, and his shoes we'd blown up with fireworks. And i want to hear him say big dumb face. I want to hear him talk about butter teeth, and killer turtles, and the uprising of cows. I want to sit next to him on the beach again and watch the fireworks while screaming about how much they sucked. I want to go chicken hunting with him again, and give him a high five. I don't want to hear about the organs that were crushed, and his time of death. I just want to see him laugh again, and his bluest of blue eyes. Big dumb face. I was the first person Zane asked for when he came out of surgery. Jason and I were his only real friends. He told his mom to call me, to tell me before anyone else did. I was the first to know outside of immediate family. I called what would have been Jason's girlfriend and told her. I can still hear myself telling her cousin to wake her up, and her groggy voice coming on the line, asking me what I wanted. I can still hear the way she screamed after I told her, and the way her voice cracked. And the sound of the phone ringing because of people calling me, asking me if I'd heard yet. I was the first to know. I was the closest to Zane, and close to Jason as well. I can still hear Stephanie's sobs as she asked me what happened. The way my face looked in the mirror. The disgust I felt as so many people called me. People who didn't know him, didn't know them, didn't know anything about them. The anger I felt because of these people who just wanted to have other's sympathy called and cried. No LaShay, they weren't tripping on shrooms. They weren't fucked up. No Stephanie, they didn't steal his dad's car. They stole his uncle's truck. No Jessica, I don't want to go with you to go see Zane in the hospital. He doesn't want to see you. He doesn't want to see anyone. Just Jason and me. And all those feelings i've almost buried, have been rekindled. All those healed wounds have been opened up again. And all I can think about is how I was supposed to be in that truck too. Maybe if I had, I'd be dead as well. Or maybe Jason wouldn't. But i can't ask those "What If" questions. I won't wake up tomorrow and be able to do it over again. I won't be able to make a different choice, and go with them. Big dumb face. Maybe it's all just some nightmare. Maybe he's somewhere better now, like a little island off the coast that has killer turtles and lots of hot asses and ganja growing green. I'm going to see Zane tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow it'll all be okay. Goodnight big dumb face.

dude, i like.

you need to ask robb to appoint you moderator of this "arts" forum.

Thank you. I should have been moderator of the Arts and Creativity Forum at freaks.com, being a founding member and one of the more frequent visitors and writers, but instead...

Oh, this is not about Wes Borland...Oops, sorry

Since 'Paper hearts', the first text to make me feel that sweet melancholie again. Thanks.

The purpose of posting this, was not to display talent or lack of, but to express something worse than i've ever felt before. yet something i've been forced to endure over and over again. jason has died. zane's life has lost meaning apart from me. and i am left weeping in the aftermath. i returned today from the funeral. everything so non-chalant, ones weeping for attention, sympathy. once again i have been completely and utterly disgusted by the human race.

So you're in it now. Why is it only in suffering, that we see clearly? The imitation of life most of us are leading. Fulfilling the expectations of others. It's no life. It's an empty shell.

where everyone has empty hopes and dreams

I am so lucky...I have seen both sides...I've been in the dark and now...

(Edited by Amor Fati at 2:48 pm on July 11, 2001)

it's such a difficult thing to grasp, such a violent end and a very abrupt transition. i spent the entire day wednesday with him, and then he was gone. and i won't get to spend another wednesday with him again.

The thoughts of Lao Tse are ones of wisdom. Ideas of Taoism in general, made me realize the workings of life better. That the future has not yet been born, and will become what it will, it is not in our grasp. Past is gone, and we cannot change it. There is only this moment, and it is perfect in every sense.

That is why I live every day so, that I have no regrets after it. If I die unexpectedly, there's no reason for me to feel sorry, and it was to belong to that moment, that I die. Sad but true, we do not usually learn this before it is too late.

My grandmother was about to die 1½ weeks ago. I was blamed for being cold for not showing any effect. I know she will die. I will die. Death is not the opposite of life, it's the opposite of birth.

jason lived along the same rules. and i aspire to, but i'm condemned to this house. i lived once very daringly, and it led to a drug addiction and more angst. but oddly enough i wish for it again.

Khalil Gibran once said, that we do not learn things truly by heart only by knowing them. We have to go through them so many times, that we become them. If you want and go through the thought enough times, it will just one day click and become clear as a mountain brooke. It does not have to happen intensively. Just every now and then, and with emotion.

If you go for the drugs, I won't give you any moral lectures. I went for booze. But in the end, it didn't help more than 'til the effects wore off. During one of my walks, I had a moment of clarity, like in before times, and realized, that I will not survuve, unless I take the thing head on. After almost 2 years of trying, I am finally starting to get up from the dark. All I ask, is for you to do anything you feel deep down, is right. Do not care for the morals, ethics or thoughts of others, for your life is your own, and no-one else's.

I walked away from the drug addiction that i started at such a young age. for a long time i kept entirely clean. last wednesday, however, i smoked enough ganja to kill someone with jason and zane. but i couldn't have wished for someone better to have done it with. they were both very proud of me to have stayed clean for so long and a little ganja didn't throw me back into it, although i was afraid it might have led me back. but i'll be okay. and maybe someday i'll be able to know what okay is.

You have good memories of him among the last ones. It could've been a lot worse: You could've been fighting for instance. If you have any regrets about something, it'd be best to go through with them. Otherwise they'll get buried under grief, and start gnawing at your being. I speak this from experience.