God of Wine

7-26-01

“And there's a memory of a window. Looking through I see you, searching for something I could never give you. And there's someone who understands you more than I do. A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face…”

I can’t bear to go….
I stand in front of the closet and search through my sparse collection of clothing. Nothing black. Nothing without holes. Nothing respectable.
I can’t bear to go.
I know I need to. I know I should. But I just can’t bear to go. I’d break at the sheer sight of the long host of cars. I’d wither away at the mere sight of the gardenias and the camellias.
I just can’t. I'm so sorry.
Do you remember that song Jon? You know, that one you made us listen to all the time. The one Sophia and I loved and Donnie said made him depressed. The really slow, soft one. The first part of it talked about repenting sins…you remember it of course.
“Every thought that I repent is another chip you haven't spent. And you're cashing them all in.…Where do we begin. To get clean again. Can we get clean again?”
You remember it…
   I close my eyes and see his face again. His features lighting up when his mouth turned upwards into a smile. The way his jade eyes pierced me. How deep a green they were.
“ I walk home alone with you, and the mood you’re born into. Sometimes you let me in, and I take it on the chin. I can’t get clean again. I want to know. Can we get clean again?”
The lights of the instruments in the car cast a bluish glow upon us as we drive down the interstate a little past midnight. We’re driving on the median, but I don’t mind. I feel his hand find mine and he squeezes it gently. I was always so comfortable with you Jon. Always so safe, and secure.
I can smell the scent of burning mary jane. And the entire feeling of the warehouse. Apprehension hung heavy in the air, hitting you hard with each beat of the music. All the people around us, dancing wildly. All the lost souls around us, with nowhere to call home. But I always felt so safe and sure with you Jon. Always.
I can still feel the way your laughter could warm me, and the way your face lit up. You had such beautiful bone structure. Isn’t that an odd thing to think about now?
“We can’t get back again…we can’t get back again…”
I hold your sweater close and take in your smell. You always smelled so damned good too. Did you know that?
But I'm angry at you. You shouldn’t have left us you know. You really shouldn’t have. We needed you, and we have no idea where you went to. We all know we won’t be seeing you again. I knew you were having problems Jon. I'm sorry your mother killed herself. I know you needed her so much. I'm sorry your father died of lung cancer, even though he never really cared. But did you have to make the same mistake? Make us go through the same thing?
“ And the siren’s song that is your madness, holds a truth I can’t erase. All alone on your face…”
Those last few months you never even cared. I would remember for days when I could make you light up with laughter. I’d remember for weeks how your mouth would turn up into another glorious smile. I guess I'll remember them for a long time now. Maybe I'll understand this someday. Maybe I won’t.
You had your own reasons for leaving. And I suppose I’d have to respect that right?
Christ, listen to me. I'm talking as if you were here. Why do I always do that? You used to pick at me terribly about it. Come on Jon, pick on me again. I won’t hit you or anything, and I promise not to give you the silent treatment.
Did you hear that Jon?
It was that nervous laughter you were always pointing out. Why aren’t you here to cup my face in your hands and tell me it’d be okay? Why aren’t you here to kiss my forehead and my lips softly and whisper words of encouragement anymore? Why?
I don’t understand you Jon. Why are you so difficult? Were so difficult.
Were

I open my eyes and wipe away a few stray tears. I pull off the heavy sweater and let it fall to the ground beside me.
Oh you used to love the way I did that. How I just let my clothes fall off casually. God, you were such a perv Jon.
I did it again. You know, laughed nervously. Damn it Jon, why aren’t you here?  Why are you making me cry you bastard?  You know how I hate that.

I pull on a t-shirt and put on an old pair of jeans. I look around the room and take a deep breath. I'm hoping this won’t be the last time I come here. The four of us always loved it here. All those nights spent together, and the glorious sunrises we always missed. We liked to sleep in so late. But then again, why wouldn’t we?
We were so happy Jon. So happy.
“ You let me down, there I said it. Now I'm going down and you’re not even around…”
When you stopped dancing with me, the entire world stopped. The loudest sound I've ever heard was when you fell to the ground. At first I thought maybe you were pulling a cruel prank.
I kept telling you to come on, to get up. I kept telling you how it wasn’t funny anymore. I guess after the shock subsided I realized what was going on. I couldn’t believe you did it you bastard.
I wonder if you thought I looked ridiculous when I started screaming. I know I must of. I wonder if you had to stifle your laughs when I started crying. I was really crying Jon. I was beyond hysterical. But you know me, the screams stopped as the music began again. And I always cry silently. But…you know that.
There was a really large….crowd around us Jon. They wanted…to know if…you were alright. Did it look like you were alright? Had any of those fools ever seen a seizure? Had any of them realized that when your eyes fall back and you stop moving, that it is not a good thing? I don’t think they did.
“ I can’t keep it all together…”

I walk down the steps of the apartment building hurriedly, taking two steps at a time. The funeral home isn’t that far away. I can walk the distance. I'm used to walking.
I remember when we first met. Sophia was quite the matchmaker. Though I always thought she had wanted you for herself, god knows I would of. Your beautiful eyes themselves were enough to fall in love with. And the way you were built was enough to swoon anyone. I miss that. Holding onto your arms, and swinging on your shoulders.
I think the first thing you said to me was that I looked great. And then, naturally, I laughed nervously. Normally I would have knocked the shit out of someone had they done what you did, but you were different you know. Everything about you was different. Especially the way you kissed me. I loved the way you kissed me. Like a feather, gently brushing my lips with the tip of your tongue. But you were a very passionate person. Something I needed after so many years of being so cold.
Maybe I was what you needed. God knows you were for me.
Do you remember that night you found me on the rooftop? And when you asked what I was doing, I said I was just watching the stars? I wasn’t. I wanted to jump so badly. The only thing that had kept me up there long enough for you to show up was this question that kept plaguing me. “ Who would clean it up?” You know that bothered me.
Don’t laugh at me Jon. You know I couldn’t stand you laughing at me.

I look ahead and see the long procession of cars, escorted by the police department and headed out by a long black limousine. I wonder if the pig they hired was one that had arrested us at one point and time. Maybe Rudy. No…Rudy was too stupid. He might wreck the funeral procession.
I think I'll just stay here Jon. I can’t go any further. I can’t face those people. I can’t see the casket and your pretty face. I can’t imagine you in a suit. But I bet you look really handsome.
I want to be able to remember you as I always knew you. I want to think back and see your face light up with a beautiful smile. I want to look at you and smile, to feel your feathery kisses again. I want to remember the bluish glow of the head instruments in the car. The way we plowed down that picket fence and drove straight into a pool. How we had to try to explain it all to the tow truck guy. And why we were three states from home. I want to remember you….not some suit and casket. Not with white flowers everywhere and weeping relatives who didn’t know a goddamned thing about you.
Why were you so unhappy Jon? Why couldn’t I see it? I'm so sorry I didn’t. I don’t think I could have helped though. There were so many other ways for you to have gotten through it you know. I mean come on, it’s not like it would have killed you to try. I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.
There were so many reports about how you died. The initial cause really was an overdose of cocaine and heroin, along with any and everything else you could get your hands on. But you know your neck had been broken too. Your seizures were really violent, and they really frightened me Jon. But I know you didn’t mean to scare me.
There was so much I still had to tell you. There was so much I wanted to do. You were a daddy you know. And Sophia loved you so much. The two of you were so perfect together. And I never felt like a third wheel, because I wasn’t. The three of us belonged together.
I loved you Jon. I still do. The pain will never go away, but time helps to ease all wounds. And when I break one night and fall to floor weeping, I know I'll feel your shoulders around me. please wait for me, where ever you are. I'm going to go now.
You were always searching for something I could never give you...
I can smell the gardenias from here....


(Edited by Fallen at 8:25 pm on July 26, 2001)