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Once when I was a young man, my friend's father told me I was a 'goofy little bastard.' I don't think he knew how right he was. It took some time for the goofy little bastard in me to set, but eventually it did. I have problems with trust. Sometimes if I feel left out I like to take a peak for myself, you know, just to get to know my hosts or friends a little better. I used to imagine I was a spy working for the FBI, but now I'm far too old for that.
I went to a dinner party a week ago for my father's house. I didn't really know anyone there because I haven't spoken to my father in years, so I felt a bit left out. They all spoke of their trust funds, their retirement, their social security.. but what about me? I need to be secure too, dad. No one really understands me when I say that. I don't mean I need $500 a day and a paid off house to be secure. Anyway, I saw the CEO of a major toilet company drop a tiny black book on the floor, so I picked it up. I think it's the nice thing to give it back without bothering it, so I took it into the bathroom to peruse. You wouldn't believe what I found. That man has three dates in one day! What I wouldn't give to have even one date. His name is Herman and he is a Scorpio. When I was done scoping out his planner or whatever you want to call it, I noticed some certain things that bothered me. The toilet was far too close to the counter. What if I had my toothbrush on the counter and someone accidentally knocked it into the toilet? That's not what bothered me most, though. What bothered me most was the toothpaste. Whoever used this toothpaste didn't follow instructions. They squeezed far too much per brushing and from the middle of the tube. Everyone knows toothpaste tubes are meant to be used from bottom to the tip, rolling the tube up as the toothpaste is used. I think that said a lot of that person. I wasn't really sure if it was my father's or one of his guests', since a few had been staying there that night, so I blamed it on Herman. I left the bathroom and went back to where I was standing earlier, but I conveniently hid his planner in my coat pocket. As the night wore on, I felt myself being more and more irritated by the toothpaste, so I went back into the bathroom and took it. On my way out I realized if anyone found out I took the toothpaste I would be blamed for the planner, so I darted back to the counter and placed it precisely how it was before. No one could know I had touched it. No one could know I had been there. I had to sit in the tub for a while to figure out what I was going to do about Herman..he couldn't just get away with what he had done..no. He had to be dealt with appropriately. It was then that I noticed something I hadn't before. Someone, Herman was my guess, had left hair in the hairbrush. God! I wanted to see what other crimes Herman had committed in just this bathroom, so I pulled out the sliding drawer. While I was looking through the various make-ups, heartburn pills, and hair care products, Herman and his son came into the room with my father. When they asked me what I was doing, I turned to them, slowly smiled and said "I'm not crazy, I'm just curious."
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Hmm.. anyone have anything to say? Criticism? Just think it's stupid? Whatever, I want to hear it all!
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I was in the bathroom brushin my teeth getting ready for bed | Short story.
