The Broken Mirror Gives A Truer Reflection On Me | ....

I know there must be good times ahead... but I've been living in this shadow for over three years now.... before 'he' even came onto the scene. I always was the eternal optimist, and still want to be, but it's difficult. Time was religion would help me (am I being clechied?), but now I look at the world, and wonder how I can see God there? I want to let him be part of my life, but at the moment even I don't want to be part of it. I need, shallow as it seems, a subsient solution. I do count my blessings every day, my fantastic family, my wonderful wonderful friends, all the beautiful things in my life, and in the world. And I know these far outweigh the bad, but I can't helping taking this all to heart... all the evil in the world, the wrong, the pain and cry, weep that I cannot change it. And I have begun to hate myself. I hate myself from frustration at my inadequacy. I hate myself for letting little things (and little people) get to me, and not being the stronger person. I hate myself for being jelous of those who are happy, especially those who are close to me. I feel selfish. I hate myself for being self pitying. I hate myself for not being able to be happy, for not letting contentment be enough. I know happiness will find me someday, but why does it have to be so dark before the light?