sensitivity level

when i was a kid, everything hurt.

brushing my hand across some bark hurt.

walking barefoot hurt.

breathing hurt.

i look back on myself, and i see my skin.

in my memories, it looks like the weak pink exoskeleton of a lobster, or a crab.

all nerves exposed, and standing upright, with blood vessels and arteries lying directly beneath.

but the more i got scuffed up and scarred, like any little american monsterboy does, it started hurting less and less.

when i was 3 i remarked to my grandmother that if my wounds never healed, sooner or later, i'd just be one big scab. that's a mental image that's stuck with me for a long time.

that image, and the concept of becoming numb to pain have lead me to identify with a number of strange characters in stories throughout my life.

frankenstein. golems. comic book characters like wolverine, and the maxx. cartoon characters like the lumbering tar-ape from 'the hurculoids'. mick foley, or more precisely, mankind and cactus jack...

and it makes me wonder if other people follow this same course: being physically sensitive as youths, and becoming more calloused and numb as time goes on.

of course, what happens to your body is reflected in your mind, and vice versa, so how deeply has this influenced who i am, mentally.

yeah, like many people, i refuse to let myself cry, most of the time.

i only really cry when i know i'll probably never see someone again, for whatever reason.

will i eventually get a point where i don't cry at all?

will i cry when my mother dies?