Magpies | The skeleton of the begining of my story

This was very disturbing for me to read. Because I have been there...And not with THE ONE unfotunatelly...I though that this other girl might have been the one for me, and I hurt because of this for two year. She cause my biggest depression, and she turned out to be a nobody...You story made me want to show you the following lines...Written in my diary, from 10.27.99 till 11.2.99...

"Anyway it's getting more and more frustrating this relationship I have with Jenny. It's getting more and more painful to spend so much time around her just as a friend unable to kiss her or hold her hand. Something has to be done. "

"God I love her! Also again, as yesterday, I felt like she was blocking nay attempt of a date. When we were going towards the secretary earlier I asked her if we should go somewhere after she gets the job done. She didn't say a thing and I could see by the look on her face that she was rather unsure about this. So after the talk in the middle on the yard everything was decided and she said she was going to lay for half an hour and then to a store and that we were going to see each other on Friday, since tomorrow family will be here. George tried to leave me there but it wasn't to be. The second we turned around I whispered "This is no good for me. I can't take it any more. I can't spend so much time around her without touching her or knowing she's with me.". I've never felt like this around her so far! I was usually content to having her near. Well not any more. "

"But unfortunately our first date, after 737 days of yearning left me thinking that there are only two possible solutions:
Either next time we meet I tell her everything so I won't be the only one hurting and thinking about this (I can't take the pain anymore, I need some of the load in my heart to be lifted) or I will just avoid seeing her at all. There is no middle way. Not any more. I cannot go on with her as just a friend as she wants. No way. It's either shared or I won't see her any more. It will hurt, but it hurts more sitting near her just as a friend. Knowing all I know..."

"All that was in vain. Beside the unbearable pain inside it almost turned into something physical too!! The worst moments are always the ones immediately after we split. After her modeling seminar we talked a little till her elevator came, she was looking incredible today. After she left I got sick. I mean literally sick. The modeling seminar was the worst ever because I was feverish, cold, I felt like dying. Angel understood and let me go earlier. I hurried to that other place where again all break long I chatted with her. And after the course I waited for her and followed her down. She doesn't know what to do about the dorm (I thought I had it made) because there are checks. So she will probably go into a disco and stay there till three am. I almost went crazy after we split. I wondered around downtown then barely made it here and listened to 90 minutes of the most depressive and helpful music ever. I think I feel better now. Mentally I mean since physically I'm alright."

"I think I will just avoid seeing her. That's it. I mean where does she get this power to hurt me so much? And she is unaware of it! How can you posses such a force and be unaware of it? Damned she looked sweet today! I love her so much despite all this pain she makes me feel. What am I supposed to do? I am ready to make deal with God or Satan, whoever. Who can help me? Come on!
It's a good thing that I was (and still am) home alone and nobody could bother me. If the phone rings I won't care, I don't want to talk to anybody, not even George and Zea. No one can save me, the damage is done. I sent them an E-mail with the lyrics from "Blow up the outside world"."

Two weeks later everything was finally over, after her final offense I was free from her. And from then on, it all went up...I recognized the feelings I would have each morning and night in your story. I truly hope that our cases are different...But from what you say, they are...I hope you don't mind me posting this in your topic.

(Edited by Amor Fati at 12:13 pm on July 18, 2001)