Salvation

What happened to me when I lost all emotions, was that I spent my days walking randomly around the streets, and the evenings mostly curled up in the corner of my room, with all lights out. So I've been told. I don't have more than few memories from that period. The rest was void/null/non-existent, as I used to express myself pretty mechanically back then.

After 2½ months of this, I remember realizing, that if I had known what it was like to be without emotions before I lost them, I wouldn't have liked it. That's when I started the long journey back.

My parents never noticed a thing. They were too busy drinking. My brother just didn't care, and my 'friends' abandoned me well before I collapsed. But being emotionless was easy. Time went by unnoticed. It might've saved my life, as the 2 weeks before collapsing totally, everything potentially lethal shone in my eyes, sharp stumps of branches, cars, knives, high falls...

In the end, it didn't matter one fuck to me, did I have emotions or not. Now, I see that it was nightmarish time. I have never been able to fill the hole that was left. The hate towards most people, cynic, almost pessimistic attitude.

In the end, if you pull the trigger, you'll just throw the burden to others. We do not know if there's something on the other side. We all will eventually die, but we'll live this once. Think well, if there is anything to live for on this side, and then think again. It's quite an irreversible decision.

So far, both of those whom I've talked to when thay were about to end it (other on a 8th floor balcony, other in the woods with a knife), found something, even if things looked insurmountably grim.

But there is little more that I could tell you. I can only say how things were with me, and some of that of the others. There are many of us suffering, but those that pull through, come usually out with more uderstanding, and a more open mind. Ultimately, what path you take, is your decision, and the freedom of decision is pretty much the only true freedom we have.