I know where this'll lead.

Well I just came down.  Hard. I realizecd (again) that practically all progress over the past 9 months has been like running on a cnveyorbelt. I've had a good pace but no actual progress.

I realized that practically all of my person is just so much nothing. That I don't, in the end, have really that much own personality. I hurt. After all this crap got wasted again, I've finally began to see clearly. I've noticed many new buildings, signs in shops that tell where different stuff is located, that there are actually people out there. And I've stopped running into things. The world seems strange. There's so much in it that I'm constantly getting all confused.

I'm confused with myself too. I really don't know what I want, what I am, what I'd want to be. It's like everyone else were given the manual of life with me being left clueless.

Today I felt something I definitely hadn't experienced before. When I described the sensation I got from taking the kitten out and watching it gape at the world, the girls looked at me in silence for a moment and then told me that it was joy. I have never felt that. It was the best thing I've ever felt. I just want to feel it again. Taking this into consideration, it hasn't all been bad.

I just hope that I'll manage to start making real progress this time. That I'll manage to summon the courage to take control of my life. To live.