Scenes from a memory | I'm not excatly sure why I am posting this...

The talks with Glacialis and partially, Fallen plus CardForSorrow's topics reminded me of this...Coming from my "dark ages", a diary excerpt. Except Jenny, Cipi and Monica, all the names are fake. I don't know why I changed them. If I remeber correctly, that night I wrote the first ever mail to GLacialis...So some good (and how good...) did come out of all this...I wouldn't want it any other way. And those times are so far away...I couldn't even dream then that I could be so incredibly happy as I am now.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1999
1731
I look around the barren place that is now our course room.  Some 20 in. Michael and Hakinen in front of me, the others scattered. I suddenly see a course room in the old building. I look around and see ghosts, hear echoes of their laughter. Pais is a couple of rows behind me, near Daria and Jennifer 2. Jenny is on the other side near Ovidiu. I have Cipi near me, laughing too. It's an office course, before a test. Such a nice atmosphere… The room is full of people and joy, it's sunny outside. But the echoes die down and the light is dimmed. Wind keeps blowing around the empty and grey room. Hakinen is laughing at me because he has my newspaper. He throws me a 500 coin for it. I reply in a childish manner and Michael laughs too. I'm thinking I have to move in Daria 's group. I remember the scenes we shared a couple of hours before. I was on the corridor waiting for Costanza and Monica. She was the first one to come out of their course room, talking at the cell phone. She was wearing a beautiful red shirt and black stretched pants. She looked great. She keeps turning the phone on a off and she walks from one side of the corridor to the other, just like me. I think she saw me doing the same thing. She probably thinks that I'm looking for Jenny. I'm not. I am watching her. I was thinking of going to  talk to her. But what about? And she is still with that phone.  Talking every three seconds. I am above the stairs. For the first time we are on the same side. The moment she goes near the stairs to talk to some other girl the spotlight moves to the right and Jenny comes out of the course room. She is wearing her white sweater. She comes to me for a casual chat, acting like nothing has happened. I went to the corridor where I remember intersecting with Nadia. "Bon jour!" she said smiling.  Daria finally greeted me some 90 minutes later. They had finished their courses and had to climb a couple of floors for the seminar. She started climbing and the second before she got out of my sight she waved and smiled. I don't think she saw me doing the same thing. So she didn't notice me earlier? So now she is up at the third floor. If this course ends in time I could sit on the table facing the stairs and wait for her.  Maybe Jennifer 2 will come first and ask me what's wrong. Or... The door opens. A dude hesitates before coming in. I fake throwing the coin at him, he comes in. Michael whispers "He thinks his course has started!" I smile. After a few seconds the dude looks around, gets up, mumbles and excuse and gets out. Michael laughs "I told you so". The teacher can't retain himself from laughing too and asks me "Why did you call him in? I thought he was one of yours". I keep arguing with Hakinen over the paper. Michael is the referee, I am feeling like in the first year, missing the second one like hell. The drought that has come over us has to end. Daria and her group are only two floors higher… I am still looking at the sky. The teacher is talking. I snap out of it, shake my head and write. And tomorrow morning it will probably be the same. I am all alone. Just like the end of NIN 's "We're in this together" around me I have only the empty bodies of the rest. No soul, nothing. I am all alone. For a second there I'm hearing again the distant echoes of Pais and the rest laughing. But that's all over. The group was scattered. The teacher says goodbye. I get out of the room. The corridor is almost empty, nobody is coming down. I get out in the sheer cold without zipping my jacket up. I don't care anymore. "I wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chin full of broken thoughts I cannot repair". I walk towards the bus stop wondering if I still have at least a remote chance of winning with Jenny. The bus is already turning the corner. I am still far away. Comparing this to the Jenny situation, I run like a madman to catch it, knowing I didn't stand a chance. But not caring. So I missed this bus, I will have to wait for 10 minutes alone in this sheer cold. If only Daria wasn't a different kind of person than I am… She is probably the opposite type, wanting parties, fast action, not like me. OR Jenny. The next bus comes in a couple of minutes. So maybe there still is hope…This bus is almost empty. The first one was too crowded. Who knows…

You write so throughly into your diary. I don't even write daily, only when there's something special. Usually that means once or twice a month.

I gave up writing a diary for two reasons. First, it sounded so cheap and cheesy, and secondly, my sister kept breaking the lock and reading it...

Now, the closest I get to a diary are my sporradic posted accounts of my time with Daniel....

No one in my family knows I keep a diary. I just sorta write up my general feelings and thoughts if there's something special to write.

Glacialis, well you knew how thoroughly I write, remember the trip report ?
And I keep a diary constantly, in school time, less in vacation. ONly my baby knows about it, and they can't find it cause they don't know the password.