The Big Picture | To Let You In On It...

Well, to summerise you up....

I feel like I am losing grip on my life, for three main reasons:

My Family: My Grandmother is dying, and soon. My whole family is upside down. My Mum has gone to Scotland to be with her, so I am left to try and help look after the kids with my Dad. So, aside from all that I am feeling, I am having to be the strong one, as always, and cope, and put on a brave face, because it is dificult enough for my family as it is, without my tears....

Friends: Just started a new colege, none of my close friends are there... new places, new faces, new routine, and its all so much, trying to think about the future....

Daniel: I'm fed up. I don't know where I stand with him anymore, and with the fact that now school is in we are hardly ever going to see each other, it seems more important now than ever that he knows how I feel, but I can't tell him for fear that I will be hurt. I've told you before about my luck with men, and my confidence can't take anymore knocking, no matter how strong I seem. And my friends can tell me over and over how good a person I am, and they mean it, but its not the same as having someone feel for you the way I feel for Daniel....

K, I can relate on the college level. I take it you are in England, like moi?

I was so intimidated by mine at first - it's quite big I suppose, but what made it huge was not just that I was new, but also that the campus is very very big. I didn't get lost, but I felt lost, all the time. I only had one class with people I knew, and I was lucky in that half the people there were from my old school. But in English and Psychology, I didn't know anyone. For English, I turned up late to my first lesson, and everyone stared at me. It didn't help that I was going through some goth phase at the time and, in retrospect, looked awful.

I spent the first two months hating it and really wanting to leave, but as time went on it became the first educational institution I liked and now I can't drag myself away from it even though I've left!

During the beginning of my second year, I became very depressed and it turned out to be the worst year of my life, but I had amazing support from certain people, and if I hadn't been at college and had access to those people I don't know if I would have made it.

Stick with college. You're going to hate it, at first. But stick with it. I'm hoping the lucrative side of university is what's going to keep me from hopping on a plane home.

I'm not actually worried about college, not in that way (although your advice IS very reassuring). Its only because it's something new, and I feel like I'm not in control of it, you know? College itself is great... I get on well in new situations, meeting new people, and have already made fast friends with a few people....

Nothing much to add to the school thing.

The family crisis that's going on may seem bad now, but if you're realistic, you'll see it as something inevitable that was bound to happen at some point (we all do get old and eventually pass away, you know). Crisis situations are great tests for your person and something you'll probably come out wiser from.

Thank you, I know that about the family, and it is something I will have to go through many times, its only natural.... its more the effect on my mother I'm worried about, and the coping that has to be done for the time being at home without her....

The saddest day of my life probably, today. It's all over. Had the presentation for my thesis, aced it, baby too, and we're officially out now. I am officialy out of school. Done..I can't quite grasp that. We stayed with Nadia after the results till nine pm, in her lab, the lab where I met THE ONE, and just reminisced, and talked...It's all over.

And the only way I could get through this day, with school ending and my problem, was with my friends near, who came to support me, and with "Long hard road out of hell" in my bag, reading that "Minute of decay" passage over and over again...

As someone who has lost every sense of family in the past year, I can only tell you that not having their support serves to make you independent in a way that is usually to soon but always much needed. We went throught it all - death, drugs, suicide, running away, the police, breaking the law, jail...all in my A Level year. My sister was in court when I was taking my final exams.

I never once let them see me cry. And I did, quite a bit,  but I found someone to confide in.

So yes, it's horrible and painful and it made me want to end my life, of all things - but things do get better. Your periods of feeling low get shorter and your highs become longer, as the situation around you stabilises [if not improves]. Even if it doesn't, you learnt to cope. I don't know how, but let's just say, the human mind is nothing short of a miracle.

As far as "being in control" of college - my one piece of advice is, if you don't like a subject, make sure you give it up. Please. I was lumbered with something I hated for two fucking years, and it caused me nothing but problems.