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Fallen
Priest of the Fur
Total Posts: 608
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 2:41 pm on July 11, 2001 |   | IP
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There s this state of unawareness that I reside in now. This oblivion I've softly fell into.
My hand goes numb as I slide it across the cold tabletop. It s an off-white cream color with flecks of brown and gold amongst it. The lights hanging from overhead show in the reflection of the glossy tabletop. And I slip further into my oblivion. The soft blue, cool hues of my oblivion.
I stare blankly at the glossy tabletop as they sit down before me. I don t look up as I see something no one else can see. I can hear the noises coming from the gaping messes in their faces. All they do is talk. The eerie laughter makes me cringe over and over again.
I touch the cold tabletop once more.
It feels so cool against my skin. I look up and my mother possesses a suddenly vacant stare. I used to pity her, now I only despise her. The sorrow that I once held for her has been replaced by an utmost amount of hatred.
I can smell the scent of her cigarettes burning in my nose. It reminds me of the late night conversations I have with Bradley. Sometimes I smoke three or four cigarettes right after each other. And at other times, a cigarette even being near my face disgusts me. Being near my mother disgusts me. People disgust me.
I look at my mother again and her vacant stare makes me almost sick. I look back down at the reflection of the lights hanging overhead on the tabletop.
And I'm slipping further into the soft blue hues of my oblivion. My state of unawareness, where your blank stares can t hurt me any longer.
The tabletop feels so cool against my skin...
(Edited by Fallen at 10:37 pm on Jan. 15, 2002)
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"Any government that would deny a gay man the right to bridal registry is a fascist state."
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Amor Fati
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1560
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 2:42 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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No, we thank YOU for what you're writing.
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Sunt lacrimae reum
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 2:51 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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I too was once told to write. I painted the dark 'soulscape' of mine to words. As I found the metaphors from reading what I wrote, I could think others that would ease my being. I waged war with my fragmented self; a war of metaphors. Why being good never got me anything but torment? Why doing as was thought right instead of what I felt, was not doing any good? There are now only two people who mean anything to me. Mihnea (Amor) and another one.
But even in the deepest dark, don't wish for not feeling. It will come if it will, but don't encourage it. For not feeling, is being dead. It is nothing. We are our emotions.
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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Fallen
Priest of the Fur
Total Posts: 608
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 2:55 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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there is a point in time where you're suddenly past the point of tears, past being angry, beyond the pain. where you question your laughter, your smiles, and yourself. and it is then all is lost.
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"Any government that would deny a gay man the right to bridal registry is a fascist state."
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Amor Fati
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1560
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 2:57 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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That is so true, about the feelings, Ile...That feelingless period I had was so dark and bleak...Just today I had that topic "Stakes" which was about this...
(Edited by Amor Fati at 2:58 pm on July 11, 2001)
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Sunt lacrimae reum
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Fallen
Priest of the Fur
Total Posts: 608
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 3:09 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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i keep loyalties with beginning threads. i'll only create them for very, very special reasons. one being jason, and the other being myself. and jason is special. he is a unique and beautiful snowflake. unless the rest of the world.
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"Any government that would deny a gay man the right to bridal registry is a fascist state."
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 3:17 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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Quote: Quote: from Fallen on 12:55 am on July 12, 2001
there is a point in time where you're suddenly past the point of tears, past being angry, beyond the pain. where you question your laughter, your smiles, and yourself. and it is then all is lost.
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Yes, the numbness. After I first had it, it has never really gone away. It lurks, in the edge of my mind. It's a void, that devours all life it comes into touch with. A dark vortex that fills the sky and yearns for more.
I hope it will not eat you wholly, like it did to me. It's easy to let go and drift away into nothingness. It isn't easy to get out. You're like a differet person just piggy-backing on your old self, and then even that vanishes, and you don't remember anything, you just exist because your body doesn't realize to die, even as the spirit has done so. And your spirit still is held in this world, as it's corporeal being is alive here. Still, I wouldn't think whole death would have been a better option. Even if the daemons whisper it, even if the moment of numbness gives nothing against it. I could just be, 'cause I did not exist.
And Mihnea, you'd be surprised of the things that can brew in your mind when in the hot reddish heat of sauna. They're just damn hard to put in words...
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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Fallen
Priest of the Fur
Total Posts: 608
Joined: July 2001
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Posted on: 3:38 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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it always consumes you. it becomes you. but you allow it to become you, to consume you, to overtake you. am i making any sense?
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"Any government that would deny a gay man the right to bridal registry is a fascist state."
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 3:50 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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Yes, for in the end, it is you. There is nothing in your mind, that you haven't let there. You have complete freedom to do anything in your world, in your mind. You have complete freedom in, and power over anything you do or have there. We get so easily baffled by all the crap we're being thrown at, but it's crap that makes plants grow, you know...
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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Inertia 
Plains Deacon
Total Posts: 439
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 4:05 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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Guhginafuh...
As someone who has waded through a lot of shitty online writing over the past few years, I've built up something of a thick skin.
This sliced right through it.
Like a katana.
That's all I'm really going to try to say right now.
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...Nothing to corrupt the eye; there is no vision here.
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 4:18 pm on July 11, 2001 | | IP
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? WTF? You're free to ignore if you have a problem. 
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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Amor Fati
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1560
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 1:08 am on July 12, 2001 | | IP
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Inertia, what the...? Innitially I thought that what you said was a compliment 
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Sunt lacrimae reum
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JuggleFoe
Moderator
Total Posts: 2133
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 1:46 am on July 12, 2001 | | IP
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Quote: Quote: from Inertia on 6:05 pm on July 11, 2001
As someone who has waded through a lot of shitty online writing over the past few years, I've built up something of a thick skin.
This sliced right through it.
Like a katana.
That's all I'm really going to try to say right now.
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yeah, i think that was a compliment, ya' silly gooses. (er, geese...)
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http://www.livejournal.com/~toyman
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Inertia
Plains Deacon
Total Posts: 439
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 11:34 am on July 12, 2001 | | IP
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Yes, it was a compliment. A big one.
Any writing that slices through skin is good writing, as far as I'm concerned.
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...Nothing to corrupt the eye; there is no vision here.
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Glacialis
Bishop of the Sacred Horn
Total Posts: 1072
Joined: April 2001
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Posted on: 12:15 pm on July 12, 2001 | | IP
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Hmm... K. Sorry about that then. As you might've guessed, I understood it meaning that it was such crap it sliced through the tough skin. 
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"What did the city get from you, Montag?""Ashes"
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---(+ Holy Buffalo +)---
Salvation
