-- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 2:53 pm on July 14, 2001 You had spent the whole day with me, as usual, as ever. We had played our usual games, where you would pretend to insult me, and I would pretend to be offended. You would tickle me, and I would wrestle you untill I had you pinned, and we were both giggling. Then I would pretend that you had overpowered me, and now managed to pin me. Did you know I was pretending? That I wanted you to pin me? That I like to feel under your power? As usual, we would stop for a rest, and you would spread over the whole of the big matress that was left among the junk in my garage, which we use to lay upon when exhausted from cleaning. And as usual, I would throw myself upon you to claim some of the matress back. Did you ever know it was you I wanted to claim, not the old disused construction of springs and materials- that means nothing to me, nothing. I lay half on top of you, and asked you to submit. Did you know I didn't mean surrender the matress, but to surrender yourself to me. I asked you would you like me to move now, and you said no need to. Did you know? Did you feel it too? Was this the way you wanted it to be? Could you feel as I did the warmth of our two bodies, and did it fill you with the same simultanious sense of longing and fear? Soon the dark of the night crept over the garage, and we reconviened our revels to the confines of my bedroom. There was nothing openly sexual between us, but did you feel as I did the tension beneath the surface that bubbled within until you feel like you could burst with the consealed emotion, and the hidden heart? Did you want, as much as I did, to place our lips together, to become one in each others arms, to forget what we cannot have, bound by our plutonic facade. For me anyway it was a facade. Does it mean the same to you? Do you view our friendship as an apperence, or do you truely have from me now what you wish? We lay on my bed to talk, as innocent as babes. Perhaps one of your arms would rest against me. Or maybe I would rest my head upon your arm. Or, bringing most comfort to us both, you would lay your head upon my stomach, and I would place an arm around you. Did you feel the closeness to be more than an outward show of friendship? Do you feel the same movement in your stomach as I felt in mine? The one that makes my stomach leap each time I see you, or each time we touch? I am the person to whom you bare your soul. You are the same to me. But you are so much more. At the risk of souning like a worn out tale of romance, you are my reason for living. When you left, I sank down into my bed, and breathed in every last atom of you that had been left on my pillow. You became part of me, as I hope to become part of you. The sent of you filled me with life, and gave me hope. For you had left with me a part of you, and I hoped that forever you would be with me, as I am with you. (Edited by CardsForSorrow at 2:55 pm on July 14, 2001) -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 11:03 am on July 18, 2001 Today, we went to a friend's house to watch videos. I did not expect you to be so open today, not infront of 4 of our friends. But still we lay together, this time as a jigsaw, with my back to your front, and you rested your chin on my head. Did you not mind that my hair was still damp from the falling rain outside, and our previous trip to the chip shop? Did you mean to gently stroke my arm with your forefinger, or was it a sub-concious act? Did you feel, as I did, the eyes of our friends upon us, knowing, or guessing, what was going on in our minds? Did it bother you to be so close to me, and to have then think what they thought? As we lay together, I could feel each breath you took, and echoed it with my own breath. I could feel your through my back your heart as it beat. Did you know my heart was beating in rhythm with yours? Did you know that one word from you, one small movement, could change the beat of my heart, and imprint on it forever? We moved for the next film, and this time I lay behind you, my still damp hair now on your shoulder. Did you feel my face pressed against your back? Did you know how much, at  that moment, I wanted to kiss you? Did you want me to? What would have become of us if I did? Will I ever have the answer to the questions? I burried my face deep into your back, and again breathed you in. And once again, I hoped that we would become part of each other, in the endless circle of life. -- Posted by Amor Fati on 12:53 pm on July 18, 2001 This is not good. -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 12:55 pm on July 18, 2001 What? -- Posted by Amor Fati on 1:01 pm on July 18, 2001 This situation with you two...It's not right.  I mean it's frustrating, and it's even worse if you think, if you know that he's your soulmate...I don't think this situation can go anyplace  good if it goes on like this... -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:05 pm on July 18, 2001 I know how I feel about him, and I am just too scared to act. I'm not sure if he feels the same about me. You know my opinions on soulmates, so whatever happens, I know that is true, I just wish I knew how he felt about me for sure -- Posted by Amor Fati on 1:12 pm on July 18, 2001 I know what you mean...But waiting does no good...If he feels the same, it's great, but if he doesn't, why prolongue the agony...How did things chage in how he acts toawards you now that you socialize more, in comparison to before? -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:16 pm on July 18, 2001 Things have changed a lot the more time we have spent together. We have always been emotionally close, but lately, we have become physically closer.... am I making sense? -- Posted by Amor Fati on 1:20 pm on July 18, 2001 Yes you are. So if I understand correclty, your feelings towards him make you afraid of approaching the issue...The issue of the two of you being together...I know that feeling so well...I didn't act on it with Jenny, that girl I mentioned, but when THE ONE appeared, it was like Neo at the end of The Matrix, when he was stopping the bullets and fighting the agents off with no sweat...The fact that I KNEW she was THE ONE made me imune to anything...And less than two months after we met we were together...After seeing each other only five times. -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:26 pm on July 18, 2001 I did tell him how I felt, as soon as I had worked it out for myself... but unfortunatly, he, giving no reason, said he would rather just be friends.... i have later found that it may be due to the fact he was maybe/maybe not romantically involved with an anorexic, backstabbing, pretend to be my friend, dump on your face, hussy bitch...... but no resentment there.... after one rejection, I cant face it again, even if the outcome is lined up to be different due to new circumstances -- Posted by Amor Fati on 1:30 pm on July 18, 2001 Ha...You should talk to Glacialis when he comes back...I mean it... And it's really rotten, the thing with that other girl. From what you say, there's probably more to it. Timing is everything...I met THE ONE right when I should have, when she had just gotten out of a relationship...There were no obstacles. And I thought only girls used the "just friends" line... -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:47 pm on July 18, 2001 Why should I talk to Glacialis? I just need to wait for the right time, trust me, I will know... (HOW CHEESY!!!!!!)   :doublepuke: -- Posted by Amor Fati on 1:50 pm on July 18, 2001 Yes you do need to wait for the right time... About Glacialis, I can't tell you why right now. I'll let him do so when he gets back :) -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 10:39 am on July 19, 2001 Ok, thank you. -- Posted by Glacialis on 2:09 pm on July 20, 2001 Heh. I was about to write that Amor's got another one having same fears as me, but I obviously don't need to. :) Quote: I just need to wait for the right time, trust me, I will know... That's almost exactly what I always say to myself, and to Mihnea. I'm just not believing in it that much anymore. If you want to go deeper into this, you can always mail me. -- Posted by Amor Fati on 4:48 am on July 21, 2001 Yeah...I seem to have only non-believer friends... -- Posted by Glacialis on 12:39 pm on July 21, 2001 Well, you're a Bishop, so get on with the convertin'. :tongue: BTW, I read 'The Prophet' again today. Damn, those words in the part 'Of Love' made me feel guilty. :sad2: -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:11 pm on Aug. 6, 2001 As we walked up the hill we talked, words of the beauty of the world. A world you make beautiful by the way you percieve it. Each second I spend with you, I scorn those that know you everyday, and do not realize how lucky they are. Those people who do not take the time to absorb you as I do, and to take in every part of the perfection that is you. You commented that you would have to round up today's activivties at 4 o'clock, and I expressed some regret over this, because the time would be entirly consummed with work, and we would have no time to lay and talk as ever. You looked at me as I said this, but not in bemusement, and conceeded. Did you, as I did, enjoy our 'stolen' time together. Our repreive from the work, and the entering into each other's souls? Did you long for the time when, our bodies close together, the rest of the world melted away from us, and we were two souls, two bodies, two lives entwined, forever undisturbed. So, when we reached my house, we headed not for the dark seclusion and work of the garage, but instead for my bedroom, and a choice of video to favour us both (Rocky Horror Picture Show). As I pushed the tape in the player, and turned round to face you, I saw that you had set yourself on my bed, with one arm outstreached for me to fall into. This I did with a sigh of happiness. As the film progessed, we moved a little, untill we were both comfortable. We lay there, our legs entwined, arms around each other, faces touching. We payed only the littlest of attention to the film. (And this being a favourite film of both of us, this is a big deal). Every so often, I would feel a pressure from you as you pulled me closer to you. There was no actual point to this, as we could not be any closer, but the gesture itself made my heart leap, and my body shake. Did you notice this? Did you know the caus behind it? Or are you oblivious? Then there are the small gestures, that take me into two different worlds. Two separate, contrastig gestures that make me feel whole. One is your hand placed on my backside, amking me feel sexy, and wanted, desired as a woman. The other is your finger gently stroking my back, tenderness and affection displayed. With these two gestures, to which you may or may not have given considertion, you made my heart ache, and my love for you grew, if that were at all possible. Did you mean these as tokens of emotion, or were they thoughtless movements? Later, as the video moved on to behind the scene interviews, you grew tired, and allowed your head to drop so that it rested against the pillow, beneath my head. In this way, I could feel your warm breath upon my cheek. You pulled me closer to you again, and every instinct in my body pulled to turn my head slightly, and kiss you.... -- Posted by Glacialis on 1:33 pm on Aug. 6, 2001 You left it into a bad spot. :) Then what happened? (I feel like a kid tugging momma by the sleeve "Come on! Tell me more! What happened next?") -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 12:12 pm on Aug. 7, 2001 What happened was the film was long finished, and he was an hour later leaving than planned.... I see him again tommorow.... and I havn;t seen him since I think he inadvertantly found out that I think he has feelings for me.... wonder if he will mention it tommorow??? -- Posted by Glacialis on 4:06 pm on Aug. 7, 2001 Hmmm... Damn. For once I hoped for a happy ending... :sad2: -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 3:52 pm on Aug. 8, 2001 Ummmmmm, define happy? Nothing has changed.... we are still VERY close, but no closer..... :smile: -- Posted by Glacialis on 3:53 pm on Aug. 8, 2001 Yes, that'd be the 'happy ending'. Getting closer. :) -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 12:38 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 How does this sound for closer? Lying on my bed, UNDER the blankets, on of my arms around his neck, the other hand on his leg, one of his arms under me, him making small circles on my back with his other hand, playing footsie, my nose resting on his chin, so that his mouth was just centimeters from mine, me shaking with ever movement he made, fear and anticipation wrating every limb..... -- Posted by Glacialis on 12:50 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 Hmm... That does sound closer. :) -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:06 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 And, what confuses me is he kept on pressing me into him, pulling me closer, so that we were pressed right against each other -- Posted by Glacialis on 1:08 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 K. I see what you mean. That is quite hinting, but if he denies it... Ach. -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:21 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 I want to find a way to tell him how i feel without words, because, however articulate I normally am, when I go to discuss my emotions, I go to pot.... how am I supposed to let him know how I feel? -- Posted by Glacialis on 1:27 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 Haven't the slightest. :shrug: -- Posted by Amor Fati on 4:09 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 What's wrong with that guy? Damned. Maybe you should just look into his eyes with all that love and then just kiss him! On his lips. But what's wrong with him? Why aren't you together yet? Something's wrong here. -- Posted by Glacialis on 4:18 pm on Aug. 9, 2001 They're prob both like cats circling a hot pot of porridge, to use a local proverb. -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 7:13 am on Aug. 11, 2001 Yeh, well, one problem is the fact that I am scared, and maybe he is too. The other problem is that when I feel like we are getting somewhere, something interupts us, ie, my sister/brother... -- Posted by Amor Fati on 9:32 am on Aug. 11, 2001 Hey, come on, it can't be that hard to remain alone with him... -- Posted by Glacialis on 12:49 pm on Aug. 11, 2001 Believe me, Amor: In cases like that, it is. -- Posted by CardsForSorrow on 1:50 pm on Aug. 11, 2001 yeh, it is really really hard..... I have nosey siblings, I share a room with my sister, and my youngest brother should wear a big sign that says 'Do Not Trust Me, I Stalk And Talk'